The Push

I have heard the song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan a thousand times. Still, it has never lost its potency with me. I heard it at WNL, thought it was insightful and powerful, but it wasn't until I was introduced to the video of John interpreting this song that I saw and understood what these words were saying and how inspiring they were.

"How He Loves" was written in dedication to John's friend, Stephen, who died in a car accident. Watching this legendary (well, i think he is:) man weep at the thought of his friend dying, leaving, being taken from him, made me think of my grandpa who died two years ago. 

The day he died, I remember thinking about it all reasonably. It was inevitable, I knew it was coming, and in all honesty I was prepared for it... It wasn't until after the funeral, I was going through his things with my grandma, that we came across an old bookmark in his nightstand. It was a crayon drawing of what looked to be a tall man and a little girl. It had my name on the back of it. I had drawn it for him when I was 5... I balled. Out of all his 19-21 grandchildren, I was the one that he kept a piece of right next to him in his night stand every night. It was in this moment that I saw how much he really cared about me. Even though I only saw him once or twice a year, even though it was hard for him to show emotion, to show me he cared about me, he really did. I started to think how unfair it was that my grandma had to be alone. How unfair it was that I didn't really get to see him much before he died. I thought about how unfair it was that I don't have a grandpa anymore and how Henry (2 year old brother) would never know a grandpa. 

I was okay with my grandpa going to Heaven, he wouldn't have to hurt anymore, but why did he have to hurt at all? Why couldn't he have been around more? I was hurt... and I was mad at God, but God was okay with it...

At the end of the song, John sings about Stephen to God... 

"Well, I thought about You the day Steven died,

And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...  you died for me. He loves us."

He Loves us. He loves my grandpa, He loves Stephen, and He loves us now while we are still living. I have learned from this song and from this experience that its okay to not understand, its okay to be frustrated and mad at what has happened... and its okay to look at God and ask him why?... He loves us. He loves us in our frustration, our agony, in our rage.  He finds you and renews you, because he loves you enough to die for you. Why should I deny him my grandpa when he doesn't belong to me, when He won my grandpa's heart with His own death... How deep his Love runs for us. 

May my King bring you peace, may he find you in your battlefield and bring you drink and rest. He loves you and wants you to live this life knowing this truth and resting in his presence. Hand your battles over to him and He will bring you Honor!

A Warrior for the King,

Bekah