Darlene Cunningham spoke to our class today. She spoke on gifts and our specific parts to play in the Kingdom of God.
Lets face it girls (and guys, but especially girls) we can identify with the act of comparison. When we see other girls walking around with all the cute guys, wearing all the cute clothes, with the cute hair, with the cute sense of humor, and so on and so forth... we become jealous, right? We decide that if we could just change to be like them (if not better) we will feel better about ourselves. I still struggle with that voice in my head saying, "if you just had that laugh," or "If your legs could be just as perfect as hers," or "if I could just have THAT talent" my life would be better and I would be so happy! I, as much as the other person, want to discover who I am in the Kingdom of God! I have just felt like my part is so small- like I don't have much to give- what makes me so much more special than the person next to me who can do all the things that I am not so good at?
Darlene shared with us a vision she had when she was asking all the same questions I have been asking.
Imagine you are a clay pot- and the Pottery Maker has stamped you with His own stamp of completion.... then, after being with all the other pots you come back to the Maker, wave your fist at Him and say "You made me WRONG! You didn't know what YOU were DOING when you made ME!" The Pottery Maker looks down at you sad... Because He knows He has made you for a specific purpose- He has stamped you with His thumbprint and hard craftsmanship... He sees you lovely and perfect, but you just can't see it because you are too busy desiring what He has created other people or pots to be.
I don't want to wave my fist at God telling Him He messed up when He made me! If He has then He is not a perfect God, so that would mean that everything I have ever believed about Him- all my life- and everything the Bible says He is has been a lie. I don't want to wave my fist at Him! It makes Him sad. I don't want to be the cause of making my God sad. I want Him happy and smiling over me with Joy and thanksgiving! I may not know everything about what I am designed to be, but I know following Him will lead me to the right place and it will keep me in the right direction. Its so AMAZING for me to think God smiled at the completion of my perfection 19 years and 9 months ago when he set me in my mothers stomach. I love Him so much for His perfection. I love Him so much for His Love and smiles over ME!
Be blessed my brothers and sisters! Be your best at what He has designed you to be! He will bless you in the process and smile over you in admiration of His own perfection in and over you!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Riding on Passion
My friends Sam and Michelle have kitchen duty with me on weekends (along with around 7 or 8 other people) but us three received the GREAT honor of being in charge of dishwashing! (it really is an honor, its WAY better than all the other jobs). Anyways, we became bored so Sam decided to play a game:)
You have 5 animals with you in a desert: lamb, lion, horse, cow, and a monkey. But, you only have enough water to feed 4... which one do you leave behind? And it goes on and on until you are left with only one that you can take with you into the city. I played the game logically... a monkey is useless in a desert, so I left it first. Then I got scared that the lion might eat me.... so I left that behind next. I would have kept the cow... but it would take up a lot of water and Sam didn't say wether or not it was producing milk so I left it behind after the lion. Then it came down to the horse and the lamb..... I had to choose which one I would leave behind wandering in the desert even though we were so close to the city.... I decided I didn't want to walk so I left the lamb behind... but, I felt REALLY bad about it!
After we had chosen what we would leave behind Sam told us what each animal represented-
You have 5 animals with you in a desert: lamb, lion, horse, cow, and a monkey. But, you only have enough water to feed 4... which one do you leave behind? And it goes on and on until you are left with only one that you can take with you into the city. I played the game logically... a monkey is useless in a desert, so I left it first. Then I got scared that the lion might eat me.... so I left that behind next. I would have kept the cow... but it would take up a lot of water and Sam didn't say wether or not it was producing milk so I left it behind after the lion. Then it came down to the horse and the lamb..... I had to choose which one I would leave behind wandering in the desert even though we were so close to the city.... I decided I didn't want to walk so I left the lamb behind... but, I felt REALLY bad about it!
After we had chosen what we would leave behind Sam told us what each animal represented-
Monkey: Friends
Lion: Pride
Cow: Either Education... or knowledge.... I cant remember.
Lamb: My Children
Horse: Passion
It was fun game! But, I had learned something about myself in the process... I want to put my passion for Jesus before my own Children. I want to put my passion for knowing God before any earthly knowledge. I want to put passion for the Holy Spirit before my own pride. If I had to, I would wander the desert putting passion for Jesus before everything!
Why would I put passion for this God before everything? What did He do that is worthy of my passion? ...We all know the answer to that question, but do we understand and feel it in our hearts? I love my God's humility! I love my God's Love for me! (<-- I could spend hours describing the Love of my God). I love the way He comes to me- He brings nothing but Peace and Mercy! I love when I can feel his eyes on me... He calls me lovely! I love the way He provides for me! I love the friends He sends me! HE IS SO GOOD! Ask yourself why you FEEL your God is good?
I have asked myself if I know who I am.... I am LOVED, thats who I am. I am chosen, thats who I am! I am my God's sweet, quiet, beautiful, crazy in love daughter! THATS WHO I AM! Take joy in who He sees when He looks at you! It is not with disappointing eyes and a solemn face that He looks on you with! HE SEES YOU LOVELY! He sees you CLEAN AND PURE! THIS TRUTH, my friends, is something to CELEBRATE!
Celebrate WHO you are and HOW He sees you with this day!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Monday, July 25, 2011
Acceptance
I have come to accept the fact that my God is not a tame lion- He is an offensive God- He is a loving God- but also an offensive God. He sent His son down to earth to break the bonds of religion and to offer the world a spiritual way of living life with Him. He challenges us, he molds us, and he gives us the choice to keep following Him. He wants communion with us so much! I feel bad for the Israelites in Exodus- having to carry the temple around the desert for 40 years just so that the presence of God could be amongst them- while we have the Spirit of God inside of us every single moment of everyday!
My Jesus offended a whole crowed of people (in John 6) and yet, Peter stayed with Him- though He was offended at the thought of cannibalism- He knew Jesus was truth, Jesus was life, and there was nowhere else he could go to get the same fulfillment. I want to be offended by God everyday of my life! You know why? Because that means that He is teaching me and rearranging me everyday. He is challenging my thought process and molding me into a daughter worthy of His Kingdom. I know this may be a confusing or "hard to process" post, but I have leaned to not put my God in a box and to filter what I hear in the classroom through the Holy Spirit inside of me. People who are offended by the gift of tongues- ask yourself.... is there any bad fruit that emerges from Jesus following believers who speak it? No. There isn't, is there? Look at the fruit before you judge the tree.
Something to think about:) I love you guys! There is much more to come this week. Our class has the ultimate privilege of having the one and only Loren Cunningham teaching us in an intimate classroom everyday this week! As well as his wife Darlene! Good stuff!
Be challenged in the Spirit my friends! Its a good place to be!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
My Jesus offended a whole crowed of people (in John 6) and yet, Peter stayed with Him- though He was offended at the thought of cannibalism- He knew Jesus was truth, Jesus was life, and there was nowhere else he could go to get the same fulfillment. I want to be offended by God everyday of my life! You know why? Because that means that He is teaching me and rearranging me everyday. He is challenging my thought process and molding me into a daughter worthy of His Kingdom. I know this may be a confusing or "hard to process" post, but I have leaned to not put my God in a box and to filter what I hear in the classroom through the Holy Spirit inside of me. People who are offended by the gift of tongues- ask yourself.... is there any bad fruit that emerges from Jesus following believers who speak it? No. There isn't, is there? Look at the fruit before you judge the tree.
Something to think about:) I love you guys! There is much more to come this week. Our class has the ultimate privilege of having the one and only Loren Cunningham teaching us in an intimate classroom everyday this week! As well as his wife Darlene! Good stuff!
Be challenged in the Spirit my friends! Its a good place to be!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Freedom
This whole trip has been dedicated to me just letting go, breaking down the walls to the box I put Jesus and the Father in, and being freed from judgments and bad habits within my spirit... I was so heart broken that I did not have any gifts in the Spirit. I thought God didn't want to give them to me. To make up for my emptiness I decided to judge what I saw happening around me. When people would speak in tongues, my unbelief would kick in and say, "Gosh, I can move my mouth around just like that and the Spirit isn't moving through me in any special way, so if I can fake it- they can fake it too." When people would give words of knowledge, "That prophesy was so universal it could be applied to anyones life." God has been draining out any unbelief I have built up over the years and has released freedom within me. The Spirit inside of me is so unbelievably powerful! It stirs me, it burns me, and it releases me. I spoke in tongues for the first time yesterday. Did you know the gift of tongues is actually the language of the Holy Spirit- it is the same language that raised Jesus from the dead.
The Holy Spirit is one of God's holy trinity! and it lives within US?! Why?! We are so weak! And worse! When we accept Jesus as our Messiah and the Spirit enters us- some of the believers in the church today DON'T BELIEVE IN THE HOLY SPIRIT! Yet, it still enters us even in our unbelief!? God is so GOOD! The Spirit is SO GOOD!
The Spirit within me has been having fun this week! For the first time- it is free to move within me. The Holy Spirit has spoken through me- it has danced within me- it is just free! I have given it freedom to move and it is! I Love the Spirit! It directs me to Jesus:) my best friend. Then Jesus directs me to the Father, who tells me His love for me every time I am in His presence. I have been seeing visions, I have been crying endlessly overcome by power, I have been speaking in the love language... It has been a crazy week.
I wish I could relay EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of the powerful stories that have taken me to new levels in the Spirit... but it would take too long:)
Be encouraged friends! Let your Spirit be free to move- break down all the walls of judgment toward what you have seen and instead speak to the King who lives inside of you!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
The Holy Spirit is one of God's holy trinity! and it lives within US?! Why?! We are so weak! And worse! When we accept Jesus as our Messiah and the Spirit enters us- some of the believers in the church today DON'T BELIEVE IN THE HOLY SPIRIT! Yet, it still enters us even in our unbelief!? God is so GOOD! The Spirit is SO GOOD!
The Spirit within me has been having fun this week! For the first time- it is free to move within me. The Holy Spirit has spoken through me- it has danced within me- it is just free! I have given it freedom to move and it is! I Love the Spirit! It directs me to Jesus:) my best friend. Then Jesus directs me to the Father, who tells me His love for me every time I am in His presence. I have been seeing visions, I have been crying endlessly overcome by power, I have been speaking in the love language... It has been a crazy week.
I wish I could relay EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of the powerful stories that have taken me to new levels in the Spirit... but it would take too long:)
Be encouraged friends! Let your Spirit be free to move- break down all the walls of judgment toward what you have seen and instead speak to the King who lives inside of you!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Outreach
Ahhhh!!! This is my outreach team!
Destination: The Holy Land! May God's chosen People know their Messiah has come and is coming AGAIN!
God is so good! Yesterday I received an anonymous donation of $1,000 dollars! God wants me to go and He is making a way!!! Thank you so much anonymous donator! You are such a blessing to me and my family. God bless you friend! :)
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Monday, July 18, 2011
Redefining
I am redefining who I am. I break off any curse I have carried and any words spoken over me that I am "mean," "selfish," "irritated," etc. That I am "not smart," that I am "not confident." I cast every curse off of me right now for everyone to see. I am not those things. I am not troubled, I am not small. God is showing me the gloriously vibrant princess-soldier that I am for His mighty Kingdom. I walk in confidence, I walk boldly with my brothers and sisters- not jealous of who they are and their gifts- but sure and poised in who I am because I am perfectly and wonderfully and beautifully made in the sight of GOD. God is my strength. I am in love with His Son and through this I am brought together with Him!
SO many of us carry defining words over us to the point that we don't even know who we are. We are jaded by our past and feel like we will always be left behind in some way. That we will not be completely pure ever again. THAT is a LIE. It is the Devil holding what is left that he has of you. God wants it and He wants to rid of it. Be confident in who you are and if you don't know who that is- find out! Sit down, get out a journal and when things start coming to your mind write it down. When evil, dark, and mean things come to you THAT is NOT God. That is the Devil throwing insecurities at you.. and when those come, instead of writing those down- write down the OPPOSITE. Some of our biggest insecurities and curse words spoken over us are the antonyms of our greatest gifts. Our greatest treasures in the Kingdom of God.
I am made pure and clean. Over and over again. This, however, does not mean I can go do what I want- it just means I am human and when I mess up and I feel regret, remorse, or shame! God wants it. He wants it, and not only does He want it- He wants to fill up the hole we dug ourselves into and make it so that we don't fall into it EVER again!
I feel this tingling and favor and truth as I write this to you! Be FREE of the curses! Thats what they are! They are curses! they are lies! Some of us struggle with speaking curses over one another- speak love! Even in the moments where someone doesn't deserve to hear a loving word out of your mouth. SPEAK IT ANYWAYS. People respond to Love because that is who their Maker and Father is. Mothers, when you are trying to fix an attitude in your daughter- speak Love! Fathers, when you are teaching your son how to be a man- speak it in the Father's Love! Be strong and be the head over your child- cause.... They NEED it! but do it in Love and don't speak curse over their minds- cause.... They will remember what you said and believe it to be truth- they will take it as a definition of who they are in the Kingdom of God.
Friends! Be encouragers, be a safe place for the Spirit to flow through one another. Don't judge- speak life! Don't speak curses over one another- speak Love! It will fix so many problems in the Youth Group and it will fix so many problems in your families. Don't be religious about it either- just let Jesus be in your mouth!
Let your heart and mind be set on the ONE who CREATED YOU IN HIS OWN IMAGE!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
SO many of us carry defining words over us to the point that we don't even know who we are. We are jaded by our past and feel like we will always be left behind in some way. That we will not be completely pure ever again. THAT is a LIE. It is the Devil holding what is left that he has of you. God wants it and He wants to rid of it. Be confident in who you are and if you don't know who that is- find out! Sit down, get out a journal and when things start coming to your mind write it down. When evil, dark, and mean things come to you THAT is NOT God. That is the Devil throwing insecurities at you.. and when those come, instead of writing those down- write down the OPPOSITE. Some of our biggest insecurities and curse words spoken over us are the antonyms of our greatest gifts. Our greatest treasures in the Kingdom of God.
I am made pure and clean. Over and over again. This, however, does not mean I can go do what I want- it just means I am human and when I mess up and I feel regret, remorse, or shame! God wants it. He wants it, and not only does He want it- He wants to fill up the hole we dug ourselves into and make it so that we don't fall into it EVER again!
I feel this tingling and favor and truth as I write this to you! Be FREE of the curses! Thats what they are! They are curses! they are lies! Some of us struggle with speaking curses over one another- speak love! Even in the moments where someone doesn't deserve to hear a loving word out of your mouth. SPEAK IT ANYWAYS. People respond to Love because that is who their Maker and Father is. Mothers, when you are trying to fix an attitude in your daughter- speak Love! Fathers, when you are teaching your son how to be a man- speak it in the Father's Love! Be strong and be the head over your child- cause.... They NEED it! but do it in Love and don't speak curse over their minds- cause.... They will remember what you said and believe it to be truth- they will take it as a definition of who they are in the Kingdom of God.
Friends! Be encouragers, be a safe place for the Spirit to flow through one another. Don't judge- speak life! Don't speak curses over one another- speak Love! It will fix so many problems in the Youth Group and it will fix so many problems in your families. Don't be religious about it either- just let Jesus be in your mouth!
Let your heart and mind be set on the ONE who CREATED YOU IN HIS OWN IMAGE!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Your People Shall Be My People
I found out what team I am on for outreach in September!!! Its not allowed to be posted on the internet because its illegal to share Jesus there... but I'll give easy hints throughout this post so my supporters can know:)
About 4 months ago I was sitting in my room listening to "Skeleton Bones" by John Mark McMillan and I just felt God. He told me to get down on my knees and start praying that song over Jerusalem. As I did this I got a vision of me and a mission team praying and singing this song over the walls entering the city. It was a metaphor- We were really singing this song over the hearts of God's chosen people- begging them to open up the gates of their hearts and accept Jesus as their Messiah. It was so good! But I just took it as something God wanted to do in the future... and not through me anytime soon.
On my 2nd day here, my leaders gave me a folder with directions on how to read through the whole Bible in 180 days... I thought, yeahhhhhh I could never do that. I went to go do my quiet time in Romans when God asked me... why don't you read through the whole Bible? and I said... I don't know... I guess I could take a go at it? My Dad does a Bible study with us kids every thursday morning and we just finished going through Genesis so I moved on to Exodus. It starts off describing, after Jacob and Joseph died, how the Israelites got put into captivity under Pharaoh. It goes on to show God's heart for the people of Israel and just how much He wanted them ALL to know Him- and it goes into a lot of detail of how he used Aaron and Moses to accomplish all this.
I came here, to YWAM, with the intention of going to India for the outreach portion of the DTS, but... I knew it was just me, it wasn't God's plan... so the night before the leaders were going to give us the outreach locations I said to God, "God, you know where you want me, you need to give me some kind of jump in my Spirit when they name off the place you want me to go so I know what you want instead of what I want... cause, if I don't feel anything I guess ill just put India as my first choice and You can take it from there."
Well, God came through, and let me tell you... India wasn't even an outreach option:) haha! God is GOOD!
When I was getting all the money situations together before I left home I felt God tell me to ask Him for $5,000 for my outreach. All I left home with was enough money to pay for the 3 month on campus training. When I sat down with my team for the first time yesterday they asked if we had any questions- and I asked how much this particular outreach would cost and they said..... $5,000. Then they asked how much I need to raise....... and I said..... "all of it?" haha!
My friend Michelle is going with me- to this "Promised Land";) and as she was talking to her dad in Switzerland last night she felt God tell her to ask her dad if he would be willing to give me any money.... so she did, not sure of what he would say... but......... Michelle's father is sending ME $1,000 dollars. ONE THOUSAND! I can totally feel GOD'S MIGHTY HAND on me and on what He wants me to accomplish in these next 5 months.
The team is praying, I am praying, my family is praying, and now I'm asking you to pray and ask God for the $5,000 I need by August 4th. THANK YOU everyone!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah Mezera
About 4 months ago I was sitting in my room listening to "Skeleton Bones" by John Mark McMillan and I just felt God. He told me to get down on my knees and start praying that song over Jerusalem. As I did this I got a vision of me and a mission team praying and singing this song over the walls entering the city. It was a metaphor- We were really singing this song over the hearts of God's chosen people- begging them to open up the gates of their hearts and accept Jesus as their Messiah. It was so good! But I just took it as something God wanted to do in the future... and not through me anytime soon.
On my 2nd day here, my leaders gave me a folder with directions on how to read through the whole Bible in 180 days... I thought, yeahhhhhh I could never do that. I went to go do my quiet time in Romans when God asked me... why don't you read through the whole Bible? and I said... I don't know... I guess I could take a go at it? My Dad does a Bible study with us kids every thursday morning and we just finished going through Genesis so I moved on to Exodus. It starts off describing, after Jacob and Joseph died, how the Israelites got put into captivity under Pharaoh. It goes on to show God's heart for the people of Israel and just how much He wanted them ALL to know Him- and it goes into a lot of detail of how he used Aaron and Moses to accomplish all this.
I came here, to YWAM, with the intention of going to India for the outreach portion of the DTS, but... I knew it was just me, it wasn't God's plan... so the night before the leaders were going to give us the outreach locations I said to God, "God, you know where you want me, you need to give me some kind of jump in my Spirit when they name off the place you want me to go so I know what you want instead of what I want... cause, if I don't feel anything I guess ill just put India as my first choice and You can take it from there."
Well, God came through, and let me tell you... India wasn't even an outreach option:) haha! God is GOOD!
When I was getting all the money situations together before I left home I felt God tell me to ask Him for $5,000 for my outreach. All I left home with was enough money to pay for the 3 month on campus training. When I sat down with my team for the first time yesterday they asked if we had any questions- and I asked how much this particular outreach would cost and they said..... $5,000. Then they asked how much I need to raise....... and I said..... "all of it?" haha!
My friend Michelle is going with me- to this "Promised Land";) and as she was talking to her dad in Switzerland last night she felt God tell her to ask her dad if he would be willing to give me any money.... so she did, not sure of what he would say... but......... Michelle's father is sending ME $1,000 dollars. ONE THOUSAND! I can totally feel GOD'S MIGHTY HAND on me and on what He wants me to accomplish in these next 5 months.
The team is praying, I am praying, my family is praying, and now I'm asking you to pray and ask God for the $5,000 I need by August 4th. THANK YOU everyone!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah Mezera
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Be lovers of LOVE!
Today was just another GREAT DAY. I turned in my outreach locations! (the places I feel God telling me to go in September) But, SADLY, I cant give out any information on the locations because some of the places we are going to, we will have to minister underground. Yeah, hard core, right?! haha! God, I still just feel so peaceful!!! its such a God bubble here. I actually cannot wait to go outside and do my quiet time- which is such a heart change for me. Quiet times are not a chore anymore.
Judging people, and even the presence of God in people, is something that I feel God really changing in me. I am just so alone in my thoughts when I am thinking in judgment... I felt it when I was back home, but here! it is just SO magnified how alone I am when I think that way... God doesn't think that way... so though He is with me in my body and in my Spirit, He is NOT in those thoughts. I don't and can't be without Him anymore. Soooooo... all cursing, slander, gossip, evil thoughts... I put them away from me. I feel so pure and loved by this KING this MERCY LOVING GOD! Whew! Gosh I love it here! Everyone should do this. Its so freeing.
Again, I don't know what God wants to do in me still, I could get really angry or bitter about things in the next few weeks... as my dad says, "when you are squeezed, what's inside of you comes out," so I might get really squeezed and see things come out of me that I didn't expect:) But I just want you all to know that I really appreciate you- you reading these posts (that I'm sure can be sloppy and hard to read at times)- you taking time to leave me little messages on facebook- you texting me to see how things are going- you sending me things for my birthday in two weeks- you sending me support money- you praying over me. It has been an amazing first week and I know God is going to provide for the outreach trip coming soon. He provided for the lecture phase so I know He wants me here:)
Again, thank you for your patience with me and just being support! I love you all so dearly. Thank you:)
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Judging people, and even the presence of God in people, is something that I feel God really changing in me. I am just so alone in my thoughts when I am thinking in judgment... I felt it when I was back home, but here! it is just SO magnified how alone I am when I think that way... God doesn't think that way... so though He is with me in my body and in my Spirit, He is NOT in those thoughts. I don't and can't be without Him anymore. Soooooo... all cursing, slander, gossip, evil thoughts... I put them away from me. I feel so pure and loved by this KING this MERCY LOVING GOD! Whew! Gosh I love it here! Everyone should do this. Its so freeing.
Again, I don't know what God wants to do in me still, I could get really angry or bitter about things in the next few weeks... as my dad says, "when you are squeezed, what's inside of you comes out," so I might get really squeezed and see things come out of me that I didn't expect:) But I just want you all to know that I really appreciate you- you reading these posts (that I'm sure can be sloppy and hard to read at times)- you taking time to leave me little messages on facebook- you texting me to see how things are going- you sending me things for my birthday in two weeks- you sending me support money- you praying over me. It has been an amazing first week and I know God is going to provide for the outreach trip coming soon. He provided for the lecture phase so I know He wants me here:)
Again, thank you for your patience with me and just being support! I love you all so dearly. Thank you:)
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Dirty Mail.
I have a deep secret... something I have only ever talked to God about. Its what has been weighing on me most of my life, especially here- because here, I am alone, I can address things within myself freely, and I don't have to be anything but myself.
I felt like, at home, I had built up a reputation for myself in the church (especially in the youth group) and at school. My title: the innocent, the spiritually hungry, charismatic, Jesus lover... It was genuinely me! don't get me wrong. But... I didn't want to make any mistakes- worst of all- I couldn't let my progress slip or fall behind, I didn't want to mess up. I didn't want to give myself room to fail... and if I wasn't hearing God all the time- I was failing in my walk with God.
Growing up in a Charismatic church made me feel left out. People were always getting an anointing from the Holy Spirit, they were getting words of knowledge, they were falling on the floor, getting gold dust, speaking in tongues. I never received any of it, but I WANTED to SO badly. Secretly, I would pray and ask for it. Whenever the speaker would get up with words of knowledge I would BEG God to give him one for me...
Into my teen years, I started to just accept that maybe God didn't want to give me any of that right now, maybe later... But, I kept asking for it and kept being expectant and hungry for a word from Him. As years went by my list of what I wanted spiritually from Him got shorter and shorter... I stopped asking for gold dust, stopped asking for Him to knock me down to the ground, stopped asking for the power of tongues... Finally, its gotten to the point, today, where I am only asking Him for two things: to get a word of knowledge and to hear his voice. With this acceptance, that God didn't want to speak to me the way He did to some people, came building up a wall of religion in knowledge. Knowledge of God was easy to master. Knowing truth was simple, and it wasn't going to fail me because it WAS God's truth, right? maybe that was our relationship... me just knowing His truth...? Me praying and talking to God, but Him only answering back when He felt I was worthy or prayed the right prayer.
Today, during staff testimonies, God started speaking through this guy's testimony sooooooo much that he had to stop telling his own story and just start speaking the Father's love over all of us. He asked people to stand if they had never felt the love of God before... seeing all the people who stood made my heart stir. I just started crying. I don't know why?! I had felt His love many times! But.... I have been secretly asking Him the entire time I have been here to just let me feel Him... in that moment, I became so overcome and overwhelmed by something? so I just went with it, haha:) After I calmed down, doubt started in my head...
I have had a bondage of doubt over me for a long time... doubt that God moves through the Spirit, doubt that anything is real, doubt that He even speaks to people....
....Out of nowhere this staff member, Chris Chun, walks right over to me and says he has a word of knowledge for me:
"I feel like you are doubting, I feel like you have felt God tugging at your heart, and though you are hungry for it, the knowledge you have stored up in your head is hindering your Spirit to move. God wants you to know that He hears you, He sees you, He wants you, and He is going to reveal Himself to you. He is going to break through the wall of knowledge you have built up and enter into you and take you. You can feel Him cant you?"
...........I started to BALL! I could not believe that had just happened to me.... what he had just said to me was MY dirty mail! It was MY secret! I didn't want people to know I had doubt! I didn't want people to know I had built up some religion as a comfort blanket in my head! I didn't want anyone to know that sometimes "i just don't feel anything!" How dare he know about all that! but, at the same time, God! how much YOU LOVED ME enough to speak about my deepest darkest secrets to another person... just to show me that you do KNOW ME! YOU DO HEAR ME! YOU DO SEE ME! YOU DO HEAR MY HEART CRY! YOU DO LOVE ME!
It was so awful! but SO good! I just couldn't believe that I had FINALLY, after all those years of asking, had just received a word of knowledge from GOD?! WOW. Today blew my mind away and realllllllly woke me up a whole lot... this place is CRAZY.
May your heart of hearts be free of dirty mail. May you feel God tugging at you! He receives your heart cries!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
I felt like, at home, I had built up a reputation for myself in the church (especially in the youth group) and at school. My title: the innocent, the spiritually hungry, charismatic, Jesus lover... It was genuinely me! don't get me wrong. But... I didn't want to make any mistakes- worst of all- I couldn't let my progress slip or fall behind, I didn't want to mess up. I didn't want to give myself room to fail... and if I wasn't hearing God all the time- I was failing in my walk with God.
Growing up in a Charismatic church made me feel left out. People were always getting an anointing from the Holy Spirit, they were getting words of knowledge, they were falling on the floor, getting gold dust, speaking in tongues. I never received any of it, but I WANTED to SO badly. Secretly, I would pray and ask for it. Whenever the speaker would get up with words of knowledge I would BEG God to give him one for me...
Into my teen years, I started to just accept that maybe God didn't want to give me any of that right now, maybe later... But, I kept asking for it and kept being expectant and hungry for a word from Him. As years went by my list of what I wanted spiritually from Him got shorter and shorter... I stopped asking for gold dust, stopped asking for Him to knock me down to the ground, stopped asking for the power of tongues... Finally, its gotten to the point, today, where I am only asking Him for two things: to get a word of knowledge and to hear his voice. With this acceptance, that God didn't want to speak to me the way He did to some people, came building up a wall of religion in knowledge. Knowledge of God was easy to master. Knowing truth was simple, and it wasn't going to fail me because it WAS God's truth, right? maybe that was our relationship... me just knowing His truth...? Me praying and talking to God, but Him only answering back when He felt I was worthy or prayed the right prayer.
Today, during staff testimonies, God started speaking through this guy's testimony sooooooo much that he had to stop telling his own story and just start speaking the Father's love over all of us. He asked people to stand if they had never felt the love of God before... seeing all the people who stood made my heart stir. I just started crying. I don't know why?! I had felt His love many times! But.... I have been secretly asking Him the entire time I have been here to just let me feel Him... in that moment, I became so overcome and overwhelmed by something? so I just went with it, haha:) After I calmed down, doubt started in my head...
I have had a bondage of doubt over me for a long time... doubt that God moves through the Spirit, doubt that anything is real, doubt that He even speaks to people....
....Out of nowhere this staff member, Chris Chun, walks right over to me and says he has a word of knowledge for me:
"I feel like you are doubting, I feel like you have felt God tugging at your heart, and though you are hungry for it, the knowledge you have stored up in your head is hindering your Spirit to move. God wants you to know that He hears you, He sees you, He wants you, and He is going to reveal Himself to you. He is going to break through the wall of knowledge you have built up and enter into you and take you. You can feel Him cant you?"
...........I started to BALL! I could not believe that had just happened to me.... what he had just said to me was MY dirty mail! It was MY secret! I didn't want people to know I had doubt! I didn't want people to know I had built up some religion as a comfort blanket in my head! I didn't want anyone to know that sometimes "i just don't feel anything!" How dare he know about all that! but, at the same time, God! how much YOU LOVED ME enough to speak about my deepest darkest secrets to another person... just to show me that you do KNOW ME! YOU DO HEAR ME! YOU DO SEE ME! YOU DO HEAR MY HEART CRY! YOU DO LOVE ME!
It was so awful! but SO good! I just couldn't believe that I had FINALLY, after all those years of asking, had just received a word of knowledge from GOD?! WOW. Today blew my mind away and realllllllly woke me up a whole lot... this place is CRAZY.
May your heart of hearts be free of dirty mail. May you feel God tugging at you! He receives your heart cries!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Identity
Today, I spent most of my time in the classroom. We had a 3 hour group session then an hour with just the girls. The idea of possessing a genuine and true identity in the Lord was really hitting me over the head throughout all of the meetings.
I left home with an idea of how I wanted my relationship with God to progress and what I wanted the end result to look like. Today, the staff members whacked me over the head... God knows how He wants to progress with me, He alone knows how to please me... So, I have to let go and just let the flow of His presence direct me and love on me... Its different for sure, I love being in control when I am at home... but here.... i don't want to have control... at least for right now, i'm fine with being set free from the bondage of my own will and strength. I don't know how I will feel in the weeks and days to come or what struggles I will face within myself- but today- I feel free.
I want my identity to shine, and through that, I want people to feel a presence exerting from me that is not my own when they are around me. For this, I have to give all of me until all that is left of me is God- then we can flow in an endless cycle of me giving myself to him and Him giving Himself to me until we are so perfectly united in a holy marriage. He is already giving and giving- I just have to reciprocate. I have come to find that this life is all about me reciprocating to Him... He is constantly present, its me that isn't.
Today was so encouraging. The woman I talked about in my "first day" entry... the one who prayed with me over my homesickness... She told me she felt God give her a couple of girls to keep up with- draw near to- and pray special things over. She said that from day one I was one of those few girls. She said she sees much in me and wants to be there to support me. It makes me feel beautiful and precious to the Kingdom:)
May you find identity solely based in His presence!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Monday, July 11, 2011
Prince of Peace
Though I have talked a lot about feeling homesick (literally- sick. Webster understood the definition of the word;) there has been so much peace. I feel peace everywhere I go, at all times of the day, everyday. Its not me just feeling rested! Cause... I'm tired:) Jesus wants me here. I feel it more and more as the days go by and the homesickness begins to be less and less powerful over me. I miss home, I really do, but I am so blessed and thankful to be here. God brought in the EXACT amount of money I needed only 2 days before I left. THAT is nothing short of a miracle and a sign from God that He wants me here. There are no coincidences with our Father, this I know to be TRUTH. Though I still need money for the outreach in August, I know God will bring it if He desires me to follow Him across the world... again:)
Your prayers for me to feel at home and peaceful and to make new friends fast... They have been 100% answered! Please keep praying and encouraging me! You have no idea how much good it does me. May God reciprocate and bless you as you keep blessing me with your thoughts, prayers, and gifts. I remember each and every person who has offered me their services and prayers, it means so much.
Today has been so good. Worship was lead by this woman who has the same exact voice as the lead singer of the Cranberries... except it was even better because she was singing to Jesus and she was Asian... haha:) She reminded me of Misty Edwards. She was a piano MASTER:) I just felt my heart leaping at the very thought of my King. I felt Him. He wants me so much. Day by day, I feel myself giving into Him more and more.
Class was so encouraging. Its like God was speaking straight to me through the testimonies of our Staff. They each snuck a message into their testimonies and they were addressing all of my concerns and worries. Peace is such A GIFT! I never want to feel anxious ever again.
May you feel the presence of the Prince of Peace!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Your prayers for me to feel at home and peaceful and to make new friends fast... They have been 100% answered! Please keep praying and encouraging me! You have no idea how much good it does me. May God reciprocate and bless you as you keep blessing me with your thoughts, prayers, and gifts. I remember each and every person who has offered me their services and prayers, it means so much.
Today has been so good. Worship was lead by this woman who has the same exact voice as the lead singer of the Cranberries... except it was even better because she was singing to Jesus and she was Asian... haha:) She reminded me of Misty Edwards. She was a piano MASTER:) I just felt my heart leaping at the very thought of my King. I felt Him. He wants me so much. Day by day, I feel myself giving into Him more and more.
Class was so encouraging. Its like God was speaking straight to me through the testimonies of our Staff. They each snuck a message into their testimonies and they were addressing all of my concerns and worries. Peace is such A GIFT! I never want to feel anxious ever again.
May you feel the presence of the Prince of Peace!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Day Four
Its been a good day here in Kona. I just got back from a 2 hour long walk to and from Walmart with my new friend Alexandra. We treated ourselves to some Starbucks on our way back.
Im sitting on my bed watching some parasailers as I write this:)
I asked God, on my way to my kitchen duty, to show me something about Him today... or to at least speak to me in some way...
The kitchen is run by Silas. He is a middle aged Brazilian and is working very hard at learning english (he is hard to understand at times because he forgets simple describing words like "under" or "behind"). He is extremely driven- he likes things to be perfect and if things aren't perfect he will send you back to do it over again. He is really funny when he is content- all of us DTS students work just to keep him happy and content:) When he is not content, he is very unhappy and stressed.
I was put in charge of washing dishes as people finished their meal. It was during this when I realized something for the first time... I was paying- a lot of money!- to come here and do some hard and tiring chores.... I wasn't mad or upset, mostly because I knew I would have work duty before I came here, its just that I dissected the reality of it for the first time... Then, the more I thought about it, I finally understood why everyone handing me their dirty dishes were so thankful and nice to me! They all knew I was working hard for nothing! It was during one of Silas's unhappy moments that I was wondering what lessons will come out of having a work duty. I wondered what they were trying to teach us? Were they trying to make us stressed and tired so they could brain wash us like Josiah's Navy camp?
In mid thought, this lady walked through the dish rack line and said, "Thank you! May you have a double portion...." A double portion of what?! What the heck did that mean?! I have had that said to me SO MANY TIMES, especially after I find myself working overtime without pay, and I had NO EARTHLY IDEA what it meant!
At the end of the shift Silas walked us around the kitchen showing us where we screwed up and where we did very well. Then he said something that meant a lot to me.... "I want you all to grow up to be responsible- I want you all to desire to please others. But more, I want you to be strong and desire perfection for the sake of making others comfortable. It hurts me when I see young women and men disrespecting themselves and others. This is why you work all day- so you that you can begin a pattern of doing this without getting anything in return except warm hearts and a blessing from the Lord."
I went to my room and googled a "double portion...." It basically means "a double anointing from God," or "a double blessing." I wonder what else God wants to give me? He is giving me a good work ethic, He is giving me patience, He is giving me peace and taking away anxiety. Right now... all I want is His voice.
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Day Three
It has become easier to cope with the fact I am here without my family. I still feel sick to my stomach at the the thought that they are all together and I'm not there, but then I remember that they have to go back to school and work, and all my friends are going away as well. There is a 5 hour time difference... I am the type that wants to sleep at 9 on the dot... so 5:00 here is exhausting. I feel bad that all I want to do is sit and pray while everyone is going crazy at worship, but God meets me just the same I think:)
I have made new friends here! Everyone is just so nice and funny. I can be at peace and ease when I am active. Kitchen duty was really fun this morning:) I have to be back to set up dinner at 3... but that is 4 hours from now. I have a lot more free time then I thought I would have. Its nice... though, when I am alone in my room I think about home... it hurts so much. Alexandra is from Mexico and she is in the same boat as me. She is the oldest in her family and this is her first time being away from home by herself too. We both sat in our room and cried as we Skyped our family's yesterday. Its nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. We both think the worst of the homesickness will pass within a few weeks...
I feel the peace of God everywhere I go. He wants me so badly, I just don't know what I have to do to give all of myself to Him. I want Him to speak to me... I feel like I am always giving a one way conversation. Though I feel His presence, I need to hear what He is thinking and what He wants to tell me. He has spoken to me through so many people already... but I need to hear His voice.
Your prayers are working! I have felt nothing but peace and acceptance here:) Thank you for your kind words and thoughts! I need them so much:)
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
I have made new friends here! Everyone is just so nice and funny. I can be at peace and ease when I am active. Kitchen duty was really fun this morning:) I have to be back to set up dinner at 3... but that is 4 hours from now. I have a lot more free time then I thought I would have. Its nice... though, when I am alone in my room I think about home... it hurts so much. Alexandra is from Mexico and she is in the same boat as me. She is the oldest in her family and this is her first time being away from home by herself too. We both sat in our room and cried as we Skyped our family's yesterday. Its nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. We both think the worst of the homesickness will pass within a few weeks...
I feel the peace of God everywhere I go. He wants me so badly, I just don't know what I have to do to give all of myself to Him. I want Him to speak to me... I feel like I am always giving a one way conversation. Though I feel His presence, I need to hear what He is thinking and what He wants to tell me. He has spoken to me through so many people already... but I need to hear His voice.
Your prayers are working! I have felt nothing but peace and acceptance here:) Thank you for your kind words and thoughts! I need them so much:)
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
Friday, July 8, 2011
First Day
WYAM Kona: Day One
There are so many rumors floating around campus about what wildlife gets into your room at night. So far what Iv'e seen... Beetles, ants, and lizards. I walked in and thought the lizard sticker above my bed was goofy... it wasn't a sticker. All the colors are so vibrant! Green has never been so dominate. I can see the ocean from my bed, its perfect.
I have 6 roommates. Sarah is the only one I know really well so far. She is from CA, she is really outgoing, and extremely generous. If I didn't have all the brothers and sisters I do, she and I would be exactly the same I think. We have a lot in common. One of the girls is from Japan... i am not even close to being able to pronounce her name. She doesn't speak any english, so me and the other girls communicate through hand motions and smiles. There is one girl from Mexico. She has an elaborate name as well. Jessica sleeps across from me. She seems really nice, I think we'll get along just fine. The girl under me is not around much, she has kitchen duty in the morning and she seems like she knows exactly what she is doing... as for myself and the other girls... we don't have a clue.
The homesickness settled in 10 min before I had to start saying goodbye to everyone. Its extremely difficult for me right now, knowing my family is all together and I'm not with them. I cried most of my way on the plane and a good part of my first day. I had to get water last night (we need a Brita in our room so bad) so I was walking around trying to find some when I ran into this girl Alexis (every staff member here wants to know your name and wants you to know theirs... I'm not even trying to keep up at this point), she asked me my name and wanted to know if I needed anything, I told her I was looking for water and she pointed me to some about 7 feet away from me. I said "thank you" and started to walk away when she asked if I needed prayer for anything... I thought to myself... "oh gosh, please just let me get my water and go to bed." So I said "sure, I have poison ivy, we could ask if it could go away." She walked me to this concrete area where we sat down and she asked me again if there was anything weighing on me... I had been crying about the same thing all day, of course there was, so teary eyed I said "yeah, I miss my home." She started praying about things that were tugging at my heart and told me that it helped her when she had homesickness to pray for each family member individually. I thought... "oh goodness, you're going to be here a while, sister." But I did, I prayed for each one and the worries I had for each one. It helped a lot. So I went straight to bed last night feeling calm and went right to sleep.
Everyone is praying the same thing over me... that I don't just have the head knowledge of God, but that he is my best friend, that he becomes a part of me. Is it that obvious that God has been the one I pray to and talk to, but don't feel reciprocation from all the time. Is he supposed to reciprocate all the time? I have a lot to learn and even though everyone is saying these 6 months will go by fast... I still miss home.
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
There are so many rumors floating around campus about what wildlife gets into your room at night. So far what Iv'e seen... Beetles, ants, and lizards. I walked in and thought the lizard sticker above my bed was goofy... it wasn't a sticker. All the colors are so vibrant! Green has never been so dominate. I can see the ocean from my bed, its perfect.
I have 6 roommates. Sarah is the only one I know really well so far. She is from CA, she is really outgoing, and extremely generous. If I didn't have all the brothers and sisters I do, she and I would be exactly the same I think. We have a lot in common. One of the girls is from Japan... i am not even close to being able to pronounce her name. She doesn't speak any english, so me and the other girls communicate through hand motions and smiles. There is one girl from Mexico. She has an elaborate name as well. Jessica sleeps across from me. She seems really nice, I think we'll get along just fine. The girl under me is not around much, she has kitchen duty in the morning and she seems like she knows exactly what she is doing... as for myself and the other girls... we don't have a clue.
The homesickness settled in 10 min before I had to start saying goodbye to everyone. Its extremely difficult for me right now, knowing my family is all together and I'm not with them. I cried most of my way on the plane and a good part of my first day. I had to get water last night (we need a Brita in our room so bad) so I was walking around trying to find some when I ran into this girl Alexis (every staff member here wants to know your name and wants you to know theirs... I'm not even trying to keep up at this point), she asked me my name and wanted to know if I needed anything, I told her I was looking for water and she pointed me to some about 7 feet away from me. I said "thank you" and started to walk away when she asked if I needed prayer for anything... I thought to myself... "oh gosh, please just let me get my water and go to bed." So I said "sure, I have poison ivy, we could ask if it could go away." She walked me to this concrete area where we sat down and she asked me again if there was anything weighing on me... I had been crying about the same thing all day, of course there was, so teary eyed I said "yeah, I miss my home." She started praying about things that were tugging at my heart and told me that it helped her when she had homesickness to pray for each family member individually. I thought... "oh goodness, you're going to be here a while, sister." But I did, I prayed for each one and the worries I had for each one. It helped a lot. So I went straight to bed last night feeling calm and went right to sleep.
Everyone is praying the same thing over me... that I don't just have the head knowledge of God, but that he is my best friend, that he becomes a part of me. Is it that obvious that God has been the one I pray to and talk to, but don't feel reciprocation from all the time. Is he supposed to reciprocate all the time? I have a lot to learn and even though everyone is saying these 6 months will go by fast... I still miss home.
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah
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