Conviction

This week has been exhausting! But good all at the same time:) Our room got lice, so I spent a good amount of the week cleaning out the room while all 6 of us girls had to wash ALL of our clothes. It was a nightmare. I had to hike up and down the hill, back and forth, to and from the laundry room about 10 times. Then, Saturday and Sunday, I had work duty in the kitchen from 6-9:30 and 3-8. I didn't get any rest. And, not to mention, I had a book report due! So, Sunday night was just plain awful.

The whole time I have been here has just been so peaceful and full of love for the people around me. But, all this stuff, packed one on top of the other, has really stressed my limits. I got frustrated and angry. I didn't show it to anyone, but it was killing me on the inside. I woke up this morning, not fully recuperated from the week I had just been through, and just plain exhausted and stiff. Every monday morning the whole school meets in the Ohana Court for worship and I was just not feeling up for it. I made a commitment to be genuine the whole time I was here, so I didn't want to stand there, lift my hands in worship, and fake it. I felt God tell me to get my journal, go sit over against the wall, and just write Him a letter telling Him all that I am feeling. So I did. I told Him about my frustrations and my wants. I told Him about how tired I was, "like butter scraped over too much bread," and I just needed a week to recuperate from all that I have been taught in the previous weeks. I just needed time to meditate on Him.

After worship ended, the DTS students gathered into the classroom for our morning lecture (which usually starts at 8 and goes until 12, but we had morning worship so it started at 9 this morning). The speaker, Danny, started his sermon titled, "Sharing the Gospel." He was very enthusiastic, fun, and he was answering all the questions I have ever had concerning sharing Jesus with the world, so he kept me engaged:) Then, he stopped at 10:40, which is when we usually break for snack, but instead, Kat (one of our leaders) gets the microphone and says, "I just felt God was telling me that we just need to rest- we just need a week of recuperation and time to focus- so class will end and we will move to the prayer room where everyone can just pray, soak, and lay down in His presence. This will be all week, so everyone go spend time with the Lord."

......I couldn't believe it! God had asked me what I wanted and He gave it to me. I have the letter written down- in my journal- almost word for word of what Kat had told us. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who listen for the voice of God and follow after Him with everything that they know!

I had a "one on one" today with one of my leaders, her name is Chamille. It seems that every time we meet I am either delivered of something or see where I need to be delivered of something. I have always had doubt in the back of my mind... like, "do I really hear, God?" or "Is God even there?" "How do I know when He is speaking to me" "What if God isn't really around?" "What if all this stuff I am hearing is just made up in my head?" Fear and doubt have been a lovers in my life. Did you know that even things that we know are bad can be idols? Its because we let them rule over us. Did you know everything bad is not of the Lord? So, when I say "fear and doubt are always in my head," I am really saying that "I let things that are not of the Lord be a lover or idol in my life." Conviction overtook me today when Chamille was telling me what the Lord was telling her. She said, "Bekah, God is telling me that He wants to use you and He wants you to walk in the fullness of you gifts- its just you are letting doubt and fear stand in your way." We prayed against it and I cried like a baby!

God, convict me again and again! Let there be nothing of earth that stands in the way of you working in my life! You are worthy! You are worthy! You are worthy of all of me, God!
Blessed are the feet of those who walk in your ways, God!
A Warrior for the King,
Bekah